For Neurodiverse Couples: 8 Tips for Healthy Conversations about Money
What if financial conversations could feel compassionate, curious, and connecting? (Instead of devolving into arguments and frying your nervous systems.) Here’s a neurodivergent-friendly guide to talking to your partner about money – in a way that works with your brains and brings you closer together.
TABLE OF CONTENTS 🔍
Why is it so hard to talk about money? Why should we talk about it anyway?
What are signs of financial anxiety or “money trauma”?
Let’s explore a neurodivergent-friendly, trauma-informed approach to money conversations
Set intentions & establish a structure
Tend to your sensory needs
Connect with your values
Build on your strengths & work with your wiring
Be curious & notice what parts of you come up in your relationship to money
Break down complex projects into manageable steps
Celebrate the wins
Seek out external support & work with a financially-informed therapist
Why is it so hard to talk about money? Why should we talk about it anyway?
Whether you’ve been together for years or have only recently started dating, you may find that conversations about money feel fraught, taboo, or just… awkward. It is the ultimate elephant in the room.
This tension can feel especially sharp if you and your partner come from vastly different financial backgrounds — or even if you come from similar backgrounds but hold different values, habits, and relationships with money.
Money touches every part of our lives, yet we live in a society where discussing it is taboo.
Even though none of us were ever handed a manual on how to talk about finances, it is essential to build the skills to engage with this topic. After all, we interact with money in almost every decision we make.
daily choices: deciding whether to buy that latte on the way to work
monthly responsibilities: paying bills, managing loans, and navigating rising costs of living
life milestones: moving in together, getting married, having children, or buying a home
long-term planning: pursuing higher education, saving for retirement, or navigating medical expenses and end-of-life planning
Imagine if you interacted with something every single day – like food or water – but you never actually talked about it; you only talked around it. That wouldn’t make sense for something so vital to our survival.
So, why should we avoid conversations about money?
What are signs of financial anxiety or “money trauma”?
Please note that these terms are not diagnostic labels or pathological conditions; they are simply ways to describe a range of emotional experiences and relationships with money. Whether you use these terms to describe your experience is up to you. Some people find specific terms helpful; others do not.
Signs of financial anxiety include:
avoiding your finances because they feel overwhelming
hyper-fixating on finances to the point of exhaustion
questioning every financial decision because you don’t trust yourself
Often, this anxiety stems from financial trauma – any experience involving money that overwhelms your capacity to cope.
Examples of financial trauma include:
the chronic stress of surviving in a late-stage capitalist society
losing a significant amount of money in a shocking way
directly experiencing or witnessing the impacts of poverty and resource scarcity
This trauma is often shaped by cultural & intergenerational experiences. This means it can be transmitted through family systems, shaped by historical events and collective traumas – such as ancestors who had to flee their homelands and rebuild their lives in unfamiliar environments.
In the body, financial trauma can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response.
In the mind, it can show up as subconscious negative beliefs, such as:
I don’t deserve anything
I am not worthy
It’s not safe to rest
My worth is my productivity
Let’s explore a neurodivergent-friendly, trauma-informed approach to money conversations.
Neurodivergent brains (autistic, ADHD, and other neurotypes) experience additional layers of complexity when it comes to money, like:
executive functioning challenges that make it hard to develop effective systems around money
nervous system meltdowns & shutdowns that make parts of you dissociate when you sit down and look at your numbers
rejection sensitivity that can show up in conversations with your partner and make conversation conversations go sideways fast
the way your brain tunes out every time you try to sit down and learn about retirement accounts, because the information feels so boring & dry
…and more, given the diverse range of experiences within the neurodivergent community.
>> To learn more, check out this blog post: How Do I Know if I’m Neurodivergent? | The Umbrella of Neurodivergence
Here are 8 tips (by a neurodivergent therapist) on how to talk to your partner about money – without frying your nervous systems.
#1: Set intentions & establish a structure.
When you sit down to discuss financial matters with your partner, start by setting a clear intention. It isn’t realistic to address everything at once. Instead, dedicate each conversation to a specific goal – like reviewing bills for the next month, clarifying savings goals for the year, or discussing concerns about grocery spending.
Next, decide on a structure. As a therapist for neurodiverse couples, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of creating a “container.”
A clear context builds safety & trust— instead of making you feel like you’re being thrown into the deep end.
Here are a few ways to structure and “contain” your conversation:
Use a timer: Set a timer for 30 minutes and agree to wrap up as soon as it goes off. This helps preserve your spoons (AKA: your limited energy packets) and keeps you within your window of capacity.
Timed turns: Set a timer for 5 minutes each. One partner shares their thoughts & feelings while the other listens; then you switch. Repeat for as many rounds as needed. This helps to ensure that both partners have equal talking time (and a higher likelihood of feeling heard), and that the conversation flows in an organized way.
Walk & talk: Discuss your chosen topic while walking in a park… or knitting & talking, cooking & talking, petting your dogs & talking, cuddling & talking… whatever puts your nervous systems at ease and allows you to converse at the same time. You might agree to end the conversation once you return home for a cup of tea, or whenever the timer goes off.
Write & read: Write down your most important thoughts on paper and then read them aloud to each other. This provides extra processing time and acts as a buffer if live conversations feel too fast or overwhelming.
Put it on the calendar: Schedule a specific block of time for your money check-ins, like Wednesdays from 6-7 pm. A weekly, biweekly, or monthly calendar reminder might be the external nudge you need to actually make the conversation happen.
Of course, if a formal structure feels like too much pressure, you can let that go and let topics arise organically.
(Just be mindful that a “flexible” approach isn’t actually a form of perpetual avoidance.)
#2: Tend to your sensory needs.
Money conversations can be emotionally uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean they have to be physically & sensorily uncomfortable.
You’ll likely find it easier to engage in a space where the lighting is soft, the temperature is just right, and there are no distracting background noises.
As neurodivergent folks (highly sensitive, autistic, ADHD, & more), we know how important physical comfort is for our nervous systems. Sensory accommodations allow us to truly participate in an experience, rather than just masking our way through it.
Consider what would make you and your partner feel comfortable and cared for during these conversations.
This might look like:
allowing your bodies to move, stim, and stretch while you talk
tossing fidgets back and forth to co-regulate with each other
using a weighted pillow or blanket to calm your body
maintaining physical contact with each other (holding hands, touching legs, cuddled up next to each other)
allowing for self-regulation breaks if the conversation gets overwhelming (“can we circle back in 5 minutes? I’m going to step outside for fresh air / splash water on my face / smell my lavender essential oil”)
playing calming music in the background
integrating rituals, like lighting a candle as you set your intentions, or connecting with ancestors & spiritual guides
Conversations about money don’t have to feel soul-sucking. They can be loving, connected, and deeply intentional.
#3: Connect with your values.
Money isn’t just a number in a bank account or a plastic card in a wallet. In our world, money is a resource that grants us access to our basic needs, like food and shelter, and to the things we truly value in life.
If you value travel, money is the tool that helps you access those experiences.
If you value family, money is a resource that helps you care for them.
As neurodivergent folks, staying connected to our values is essential, because they provide perspective and a reason to keep going even when things feel hard.
For example, if you have been putting off creating a spending & saving plan – which is understandable, as the task may feel mundane or overwhelming – connecting to your values can help.
If you know that one of your core values is adventure, and you realize that this plan will help you finally take the vacation you and your partner have been dreaming of, you may find more motivation to tackle the tedious task because it is now connected to something that actually matters to you.
#4: Build on your strengths & work with your wiring.
While being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world comes with certain challenges, you also have important gifts & strengths (some of which you may not have even discovered yet).
As a couple, you can leverage each other’s unique wiring to address financial challenges together.
For example:
If you love to hyperfocus on spreadsheets, you can take the lead on tracking data while your partner handles the big-picture planning.
If one of you has a talent for pattern recognition, they might be great at spotting spending trends or finding creative ways to save.
If one partner excels at verbal processing, they can help narrate the goals while the other partner documents them.
If one of you is a researcher by nature (or your special interest happens to be finances), they can dive deep into the best high-yield savings accounts or investment options.
The most important thing is to work with your wiring and be gentle with each other’s nervous systems. If one partner starts to feel overwhelmed because the conversation is moving too fast, it’s important to slow down together or pause the conversation (“let’s circle back tomorrow once we’ve had time to process”).
Remember, we process information best, and are more able to access our skills & gifts, when our nervous systems actually feel safe enough to be present.
#5: Be curious & notice what parts of you come up in your relationship to money.
Most of us do not have a neutral relationship with money. We all carry feelings about it—whether that is shame, guilt, frustration, anger, grief, or something else. It’s important not to judge these thoughts and feelings, but rather to approach them with curiosity.
In neurodiversity-affirming IFS couples therapy, we talk about “parts.” We are each made up of different parts, and behind all those parts is our whole, nuanced, and multifaceted Self.
You may have parts that hold specific stories about money, such as: I’ll never have enough, I don’t deserve the money I have, or I don’t know how to ask for what I need.
The invitation here is to notice how these parts show up within you and to remain curious about them. In a couples therapy session, we might explore where these parts come from and learn how to work with them skillfully so they don’t overwhelm your nervous system.
>> To learn more about IFS Therapy, click here.
>> To learn more about Neurodiverse Couples Therapy, click here.
#6: Break down complex projects into manageable steps.
Don’t expect yourselves to overhaul your entire relationship and financial systems overnight. Instead, focus on setting up short-term wins and long-term systems.
If your overall goal is to combine your finances and begin saving for a down payment on your first home:
A short-term win might look like: opening a joint high-yield savings account within the next 2 weeks. Enjoy that dopamine rush as you cross it off your to-do list!
A long-term system might look like: setting up a joint budgeting app & dedicating one hour per week to review it together. Across the year, you can track patterns, monitor your spending, and celebrate your progress toward your goals.
For many neurodivergent brains, an app like YNAB (You Need A Budget) works well as a long-term system, due to its user-friendly interface & proactive approach (setting aside money in advance each month for each spending category, rather than retroactively categorizing it once the money’s already been spent).
There are other apps & tools available as well. Take your time figuring out which one works best for you, your partner, and each of your processing styles.
#7: Celebrate the wins.
It is so important that we inject joy into our relationships with money.
We need to show our nervous systems that money doesn’t only bring dread, stress, or panic – it is also a resource that flows in and out of our lives.
If you successfully negotiate a raise at work, reach the halfway point toward your vacation goal, or use credit card points to book a flight, make it a practice to celebrate every step in the right direction.
Beyond celebrating outcomes, remember to celebrate the process, too.
If you feel 10% more empowered & confident in your relationship with money, or more comfortable talking with your partner about it, that is a huge win.
#8: Seek out external support & work with a financially-aware therapist.
A financially-aware, trauma-informed therapist can help you process the inner parts (and traumas) that impact your relationship with money.
Through couples therapy sessions, you and your partner might gain more clarity on:
why one of you spends more and the other saves more, and what a sustainable financial future together looks like
why you disagree over what’s “worth” spending money on, how your values impact your spending decisions, and how to get on the same page
how to leverage each of your skills to reach your money goals & reduce financial stress
It’s helpful to attend to these emotional components, so that when you work on the logistical aspects of money management, you will have capacity to do so.
Note: A financially-aware therapist focuses on the emotional, relational, and psychological aspects of your relationship with money. This work is intended to help you process money-related trauma, anxiety, and nervous system regulation; it is not a substitute for professional financial, legal, or tax advice.
Looking for a neurodivergent therapist who can help you & your partner improve your relationship with money?
Online Therapy in Colorado | Coaching Worldwide
Helping highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults heal their nervous systems & connect with their authentic selves.
About the Author
Liz Zhou (she/her) is a neurodivergent therapist, coach, and speaker. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults & couples heal their nervous systems and connect with their authentic selves, using brain-body modalities (Brainspotting, EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration) that are quicker & more effective than traditional talk therapy. Liz offers Nervous System Healing Intensives online worldwide.
