For Neurodiverse Couples: How to Accommodate Different Sensory Needs
What if your partner’s idea of a “fun date night” is overwhelming for your nervous system? Let’s unpack how mismatch in sensory needs can impact connection and communication in neurodiverse relationships - and what you and your partner can do about it.
NOTE: This blog post was lovingly written by a human (Liz Zhou, MA, LPC - a neurodivergent therapist for adults & couples). ❤️
What is a neurodiverse couple?
A neurodiverse couple refers to a couple in which one or both partners are neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, gifted, dyspraxic, dyslexic, or any other non-normative neurotype - whether formally diagnosed or self-identified).
For example, a neurodiverse couple may consist of:
an autistic person & an AuDHD-er
an ADHD-er & a neurotypical person
an autistic person & a non-autistic person
a person w/ sensory processing differences (sometimes referred to as “Sensory Processing Disorder”) & a neurotypical person
…and many other combinations of neurotypes.
The distinguishing feature of most neurodiverse couples is that they experience the world through different brain-body systems - which manifests in different communication styles, processing styles, sensory needs, and mind-body states.
A NOTE ON LANGUAGE: The term “neurodiverse couple” is sometimes used interchangeably with the term “neurodivergent couple.” However, technically speaking, the term “neurodivergent couple” implies that both partners are neurodivergent, while “neurodiverse couple” does not assume that both partners are neurodivergent. In this blog post, we’ll use the term “neurodiverse couple” to reference relationships in which one OR both partners may be neurodivergent.
Let’s unpack how sensory needs show up in neurodiverse relationships.
What are examples of sensory needs?
We experience the world through our senses - including sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, and lesser-known senses like interoception (the ability to notice what you’re feeling inside your body) & proprioception (the ability to track where your body is in space).
We all have sensory needs & preferences - experiences that we seek out because they’re pleasant & enjoyable, and experiences that we avoid because they’re distressing & overwhelming.
Each person has their own window of capacity - i.e., the range of sensory experiences that they’re able to tolerate without becoming overstimulated.
For folks with sensitive nervous systems, their window of capacity might be smaller (or more easily impacted by stress) compared to folks with less sensitive nervous systems.
Examples of sensory needs include:
VISUAL (SIGHT)
needing certain types of lighting (ex: soft & dim lighting, instead of fluorescent) in order to avoid sensory overload
preferring clean & organized spaces over scattered & messy spaces, as visual clutter can make it hard to regulate the nervous system
AUDITORY (SOUND)
needing a certain level of auditory stimulation (ex: light background noise or soft music) in order to focus on a task
or conversely, needing silence or a specific type of auditory input (ex: binaural beats or nature sounds) in order to calm the nervous system
OLFACTORY (SMELL)
needing to avoid certain smells (ex: strong perfumes) because they cause an adverse physical reaction
seeking out certain smells (ex: your favorite meal, flower, or essential oil) in order to access joy & pleasure
TOUCH
needing certain types of touch (ex: deep pressure or hugs) in order to regulate the nervous system & feel connected to your partner
or conversely, needing to avoid certain types of touch (or certain parts of the body) in order to feel safe
preferring certain textures when shopping for clothing or home decor (ex: soft blankets, silk pillowcases, or tag-free clothing made of breathable fabrics)
TASTE
preferring certain foods over others, due to their texture & taste
needing to follow a specific diet because certain foods are intolerable for the digestive system
Sensory needs are shaped by various factors, including: 1) neurotype (brain-body wiring); 2) the environment you grew up in; and 3) stressors & traumas that you may have experienced, in the past or ongoing. For example, if you experienced a traumatic event that your brain now associates with a specific smell, sound, or visual, that will impact what your nervous system considers “safe” or “dangerous” in the here and now.
» To learn more about sensory needs, check out this blog post & podcast episode: How to Build a Nervous System Care Plan
How do differences in sensory needs impact neurodiverse relationships?
In neurodiverse relationships, it’s sometimes the case that your sensory needs will clash with your partner’s sensory needs. For example:
You might enjoy listening to loud music to unwind after a long day, while they prefer silence.
Your partner might prefer dim lightning in the living room (in order to avoid sensory overload), while you prefer bright lighting (in order to avoid feeling sleepy).
You might love going out on date nights & trying new restaurants, while your partner prefers to stay in or to go to the same restaurant every single time (because new restaurants = uncertainty & stress about whether they’ll be able to stomach the food).
Your partner might like to be physically intimate at night (because they’re a night owl), while you prefer to go to sleep early & be physically intimate at other times of day.
These are just a few examples of the mismatch in sensory experiences that many neurodiverse couples experience.
Each partner needs a specific level of stimulation in order to regulate the nervous system - and mismatch can occur if one partner is more sensory-seeking, while the other partner is more sensory-avoidant.
What the sensory-seeker might consider a “fun date” (ex: going out for drinks & dancing) might be the sensory-avoider’s worst nightmare.
Over time, this mismatch in sensory needs can impact the quality of connection & communication in a neurodiverse relationship.
If one partner is (knowingly or unknowingly) neglecting their own needs in order to accommodate their partner, this can lead to discomfort, distress, and dysregulation in the nervous system. The partner whose sensory needs are chronically unmet may develop feelings of resentment, irritation, or frustration… which may come out “sideways” in everyday communication (ex: snapping at their partner over something “minor” like the dishes in the sink - when in reality, the root cause of their irritation is the sensory overload that they’ve been enduring for weeks, months, or years).
In some cases, both partners are trying to accommodate each other - or meet in the middle - and both end up with unmet needs & chronically dysregulated nervous systems.
When nervous systems are dysregulated & stretched thin, the window of capacity shrinks - and it’s harder to access the parts of the brain responsible for emotional processing, logic, and communication skills.
The likelihood of arguments & misunderstandings increases - even if both partners have the best of intentions & care deeply about each other.
Put simply: a nervous system that is chronically overwhelmed does not have access to the same skills & resources as a nervous system that feels comfortable & nourished.
(It’s important to note, too, that sensory overload is not the only source of stress that your nervous system might experience. Stressful life events, past & ongoing traumatic experiences, and systemic oppression also play a role in dysregulating the nervous system.)
So, how can neurodiverse couples address their mismatch in sensory needs & find a way forward together - without compromising either of their nervous systems?
How to accommodate different sensory needs in a neurodiverse relationship
To be clear: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to addressing sensory issues. Each nervous system is different, and each relationship is uniquely impacted by a myriad of factors.
Use these ideas as a blueprint, and adjust based on your specific context.
(1) Explore each individual’s sensory needs.
Make a list of the 5 senses - sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste - and identify what sensory experiences you find pleasant vs. unpleasant. If it’s helpful, you can use the language of "sensory joy” vs. “sensory trigger.”
Take your time writing out this list. You might need to observe your experiences across a few weeks to notice when you feel regulated & resourced (ex: while swinging in your hammock on a sunny afternoon), when you feel dysregulated, and whether that dysregulation is due to overstimulation or understimulation. (Overstimulation is more common for sensory-avoiders, while understimulation is more common for sensory-seekers.)
(2) Notice where there is overlap vs. mismatch in your sensory needs.
Share your lists with each other when you’re both ready (ideally when you have time & space to connect - not in the middle of rushing through errands).
Reflect on any similarities or differences between your lists.
Is there anything that both of you find enjoyable & pleasant?
Is there anything that both of you find overwhelming or stressful?
What patterns do you notice in your sensory profiles? Is one of you more sensory-seeking? Is one of you more sensory-avoidant?
Notice if anyone has more sensory triggers in a specific category - for example, some folks are highly sensitive to smells, but less affected by visual stimuli.
Whatever comes up, bring a lens of curiosity. This is not about judging each other, but rather about understanding each other more deeply & collaborating together. You are sharing invaluable information with each other, which will help ensure that both of you get more of your needs met, more consistently, across time.
(3) Explore what accommodations would benefit each individual & how accessible those accommodations are.
Look at each person’s list of sensory triggers - i.e., what you find overwhelming, distressing, or unpleasant. Brainstorm ways to decrease exposure to these triggers, or to accommodate the nervous system if it’s not possible to avoid these triggers entirely.
For example, if one person finds traffic sounds to be overwhelming, they might need to:
avoid driving during peak traffic hours
wear noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs in the home during peak traffic hours (if you live close to a busy street)
set aside time for “sensory breaks” throughout the day (ex: lying down & listening to calming music) in order to recover from the auditory overload of traffic sounds that they cannot avoid
(4) Have open, curious, & collaborative conversations about how accommodating these needs will impact the relationship - and how to prioritize your connection with each other.
In some cases, accommodating each other’s sensory needs might feel straightforward - simply a matter of naming the issue, talking it through, and figuring out a solution together (or supporting each other as you pursue individual solutions - like buying a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones; or wearing an eyemask to bed to block out light).
In other cases, addressing sensory issues might feel more complicated & tricky. For example:
What if one partner wants more physical contact & affection, while the other partner is already overstimulated by the level of physical contact that they do have?
What if one partner wants to spend the holidays socializing with friends & family, while the other partner wants to spend the holidays enjoying quiet, private time at home?
What if one partner is overwhelmed by the visual clutter in the house, while the other partner is unbothered by it - and neither partner has capacity to keep the house tidy & clean all the time?
In these not-so-straightforward cases, it’s important to make space for nuanced conversations, acknowledge each other’s experiences (“I understand that this is hard for you” or “I get why that’s overwhelming for you”), and explore creative arrangements that support both partner’s needs.
It’s okay if you don’t arrive at a “perfect solution” right away.
As a first step, allow yourselves to experiment - “let’s try this for 1 week, see how it goes, and adjust accordingly.” As you try out different arrangements, you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t.
Additionally, simply knowing that you are making an effort to support each other, and that you care deeply about each other’s needs, can make it easier to stay in your window of capacity & stay connected to each other - even if the external situation doesn’t change right away.
If you need support having these conversations with each other & figuring out how to accommodate each other’s sensory needs, consider working with a neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist, who can provide a structured space to work through these challenges.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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Sensory challenges - like overstimulation, meltdowns, burnout, and shutdown - are often caused by a mismatch between an individual’s neurotype (brain-body wiring) and their external environment. When the external environment is overwhelming (too loud, bright, or otherwise overloaded w/ sensory stimuli), neurodivergent folks (autistic, ADHD, & other non-normative neurotypes) may experience sensory challenges at a greater frequency/intensity than non-neurodivergent folks.
>> To learn more about autistic burnout (& how to recover from it), check out this blog post.
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One way to figure out your sensory needs is to make a list of the 5 senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, & taste); observe your experiences across a few weeks; and identify which experiences you find pleasant vs. unpleasant.
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It’s inevitable that your sensory needs will conflict with your partner’s sensory needs at times (especially if you’re in a neurodiverse relationship). For example: you might enjoy listening to loud pop music on car rides, while your partner prefers silence or soft classical music.
When sensory needs clash in a relationship, it’s important to have open, curious, and collaborative conversations about what each partner needs, what it would look like to accommodate that need, and to what extent those accommodations are accessible / possible / realistic within the context of the relationship.
Neurodiversity-affirming couples therapy can support you & your partner in having these conversations, in a structured, compassionate, and connecting way.
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Neurodiversity-affirming couples therapy is a type of therapy that works with each partner’s neurotype (brain-body wiring), processing style, and processing speed - instead of over-riding or ignoring these factors (as can be the case in traditional couples therapy). This allows the opportunity for each individual to unmask, express their authentic self, practice taking care of their nervous system, and deepen connection with themself & with their partner.
If you’re a neurodiverse couple who needs a structured space to improve your connection & communication with each other, I’d love to support you.
Online Therapy in Colorado | Coaching Worldwide
Helping highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults & couples heal their nervous systems & connect with their authentic selves.
About the Author
Liz Zhou (she/her) is a neurodivergent therapist, coach, and speaker. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults & couples heal their nervous systems and connect with their authentic selves, using brain-body modalities (Brainspotting, EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration) that are quicker & more effective than traditional talk therapy. Liz offers Nervous System Healing Intensives online in Colorado & worldwide.
