For Grieving Neurodivergent Adults: How to Care for Your Nervous System in Painful Times
Learn how grief shows up for late-diagnosed autistic & ADHD adults. Discover neurodivergent-friendly self-care practices, and the best therapies for processing grief (Brainspotting and IFS).
Types of Grief
Grief is a universal human experience – a part of life. It is a natural response to loss, death, shifts, and changes. There are many different types of grief, including:
Personal Grief
Death of a loved one (family member, friend, partner, pet, etc.)
Loss of a loved one (through breakup, divorce, a move, etc.)
Significant life transitions – children growing up and leaving home; friendships drifting apart due to changing priorities or geographical distance
Aging & disability – loss of physical & mental capabilities as we age or adjust to a new reality (injury, disability, chronic illness, terminal illness)
Loss of a dream or potential future – such as infertility preventing the dream of parenthood; or a career path that becomes unattainable due to unexpected circumstances
Loss of safety – following a traumatic event, such as an accident, an act of violence, or a significant betrayal, individuals may experience profound grief for their lost sense of safety, trust, and security in the world
Collective Grief
Climate grief – the sorrow, anxiety, and despair arising from awareness of climate change and the uncertain future of our planet
Intergenerational experiences – historical traumas, systemic injustices, or collective losses endured by a community, culture, or ancestral lineage; i.e., colonization, war, genocide, and discrimination
Mass tragedies – natural disasters, mass shootings, terrorist attacks
Public health crises – such as the global experience of COVID-19, which has led to a tragic loss of life, as well as the loss of “normalcy”/safety, social connection, economic stability, and more
Personal grief impacts us directly and deeply on an individual level, while collective grief impacts a community or humanity as a whole.
Many griefs are both personal and collective – for example, a natural disaster (collective grief) may also manifest as personal grief (the loss of safety, home, loved ones, and more).
There is no hard line or strict definition – only your lived experience, and the experiences of your communities.
*Please note that the above lists are not all-encompassing. There are countless other ways we experience grief & loss, and all are valid.
The unexpected grief that many neurodivergent people experience
As a neurodivergent person (autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, highly sensitive, gifted, etc.), you may experience a specific type of grief as you discover your neurodivergence, start to unmask, and re-learn who you really are.
Particularly if you’re high-masking and late-diagnosed / late-identified, you might be grieving…
the years/decades spent struggling without the support and accommodations that you now know you need… and which you may or may not be able to access now
relationships that drifted or fell apart, as you began to unmask and realized that certain relationships couldn’t adapt to the real you
the impacts of burnout on your capacities, energy, and foundational sense of self, as you experience the struggles of existing within a capitalistic system
the childhood you wish you’d had, but didn’t receive, because you were treated poorly (bullied, punished, or made to feel “wrong”) simply for being different
the ableism you experience in this world, which manifests as a lack of systemic support and genuine social acceptance for neurodivergent and disabled people
the internalized ableism that makes it hard for you to accept your neurodivergent identity
Neurodivergent grief can be extremely tricky to navigate, because it’s not often talked about in our Western mental health culture. As a society, we’re used to associating grief with physical death. We impose a timeline on grief, as if you’re supposed to be done grieving by X date.
Yet grief is a fluid experience – it ebbs and flows, like waves. It shows up not just in relation to physical death, but whenever there’s a significant loss.
loss of freedom
loss of autonomy
loss of sense of self
loss of safety
loss of community
and more
It’s important to normalize the experience of grieving while existing as a human being in this world.
For you, as a neurodivergent individual – whether you are self-identified, formally diagnosed, or simply curious about your neuro-complexity without attaching labels – this is an invitation to explore how grief shows up in your own life, and to honor its presence if it does.
How does grief affect the brain & nervous system?
Whether you are grieving a personal loss, a collective experience, or an aspect of your neurodivergent journey, grief looks and feels different for each person. It’s a dynamic process, so how grief impacts you on Monday might be totally different than how it feels on Friday.
These are some common signs that you may experience at any point in your grieving process:
numbness & dissociation – staring blankly at your phone screen, unable to process information; or pretending to listen to someone but not hearing a word they’re saying
anger & irritation – either about the loss itself, or about seemingly trivial things
intense sadness & sorrow – crying, heavy ache in your chest, a depressed energy
panic, anxiety, fear
denial & avoidance – actively steering conversations away from the topic of your loss; or distracting yourself through social media scrolling, substances, high-intensity activities, etc.
a sense of emptiness, where you feel flat and disconnected from your feelings
physical fatigue, headaches, or body aches/tension
disrupted sleep, appetite, and energy levels
Grief is hard to describe, so you may also experience it as an abstract, sensory, or metaphorical experience, like:
waves crashing on a shore
a heavy cloak weighing you down
a song stuck in your head
a color or shape that you feel in a part of your body – e.g., a tangled knot in your heart, a blue stone in your throat, a gray aura around your body
During the grieving process, the nervous system and the brain are operating in a different state of awareness, alertness, and responsiveness than you’re typically used to. You may feel less energy and motivation to do the things you normally like to do, or need to do to take care of yourself (shower, brush your teeth, prepare meals, etc).
Some days, you may feel completely beside yourself. On other days, you may feel energetic, clear-minded, and more connected to yourself than ever. Know that all of this is okay and part of the process. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
How does grief affect neurodivergent brains in particular?
In addition to any of the above experiences, neurodivergent people (autistic, ADHD, highly sensitive) who are grieving may also be particularly challenged by:
executive functioning difficulties
Due to high stress levels in the nervous system, grief can make it even harder for your brain to make plans, keep track of time, follow through on actions, and “function” as a human being in the ways we’re expected to. Everyday tasks, like grocery-shopping or responding to a text, might feel more difficult than ever.
sensory overstimulation
The intense emotions of grief can make the world feel too loud and too overwhelming. You might find yourself needing more quiet and calm spaces, more processing time (i.e., days to make a decision instead of hours or minutes), or less social interaction.
sensory understimulation
Conversely, if your grief response feels more like numbness and dissociation, you might not be feeling or sensing much at all. Foods may taste blander, music may sound duller, and things that typically bring you joy (like being in nature or watching your favorite show) might feel boring.
burnout
The effort of navigating grief, on top of existing neurodivergent struggles, can lead to deep exhaustion and low energy levels (i.e., even fewer spoons than usual).
How long does grief last?
There is no timeline for grief, though our “get-fixed-quick” Western mental health system might tell you otherwise.
Grief is not a problem to be solved or a broken thing that needs immediate fixing.
Instead, grief is a natural, deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace for each individual, in relation to our life circumstances.
You might spend hours, days, months, or years in any part of your grieving process, which is rarely linear. The intensity of grief will likely ebb and flow over time – sometimes feeling overwhelming, other times more subtle.
Remember: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is only your way, your lived experience.
How to care for your nervous system when you’re grieving
In times of grief, it’s helpful to focus on nervous system flexibility.
Flexibility means that even if we become “dysregulated“ (think: anxious, depressed, frozen, melting down, lashing out), we eventually come back to center. No matter how hard life shakes us, we bounce back… in our own time.
Flexibility means we don’t rush ourselves to “calm down & get over it.” We don’t judge ourselves for being angry or sad.
Flexibility means we allow ourselves to:
grieve
cry
laugh
scream
smile
feel nothing
feel everything
connect
retreat
reconnect
…all in a span of an hour. Or a day. Or a week.
And is it not a beautiful and important thing to experience our full range as human beings? That is the power of a flexible nervous system.
So, what are some ways to build a flexible nervous system and care for yourself in grief?
Music: Listen to songs that resonate with you. Songs with lyrics can bring language to your experience, while songs without lyrics can help you tap into the pure feeling/sensation of your experience.
Movement: Walk, stretch, dance, or practice yoga. Let your grief move through your nervous system.
Rest: This can mean sleeping in more, taking naps, or doing restful activities while awake – like sitting quietly with a warm drink.
Journal: Write your thoughts and feelings on paper, in the Notes app on your phone – or record a voice memo that you can listen to later.
Sing or hum: Use your voice to release emotions, either alone in the company of trusted loved ones.
Make art: Create something – anything – that allows you to release, let go, process, or move deeper into your experience in some way. Make art that you share with only yourself, or with others – whatever helps you connect with your experience.
Tend to sensory needs: Adjust your environment if you feel understimulated or overstimulated.
For more tips, check out this article: How to Cope with Sensory Overload: A Guide for Highly Sensitive People
Process verbally: Talk about your experiences with people you trust, who can offer genuine empathy and care. In addition to friends and family, consider meeting with a mentor, therapist, or coach.
Process non-verbally: Sometimes, or even all the time, you might prefer to process your grief without words. This can happen alone in a safe space, or in the comforting presence of people, animals, or nature. Walk, move, dance, make art – or simply breathe and share space with someone. Any intentional time you allow for your grief, in any form, is inherently healing.
Which types of therapy are best for grief? How does grief therapy work?
If you’re seeking support in your grieving process, the best option is to work with a therapist whom you feel comfortable with, who has a deep understanding of grief. The connection and trust you build with your therapist are the strongest indicators of successful therapeutic outcomes.
Additionally, these two modalities are highly effective for processing grief:
Brainspotting
This is a gentle yet powerful approach that uses fixed eye positions to access deep, subconscious parts of the brain. It incorporates both verbal and non-verbal processing, depending on your preference, to help your nervous system heal, process, and release painful experiences.
To learn more, check out this article: EMDR vs. Brainspotting: Which is Better for Neurodivergent Brains?
IFS (Internal Family Systems)
This compassionate approach is non-pathologizing, meaning it doesn't label your feelings as wrong or sick. Instead, it helps you understand the different “parts” of yourself – for example, the parts holding grief, the parts holding trauma and pain, the parts that judge your feelings, the parts that avoid emotions, or the parts that don't remember the past. IFS aims to help you build more peace, acceptance, and self-love.
To learn more, check out this article: What is Neurodiversity-Affirming IFS Therapy?
IN SUMMARY…
Grief is a part of life. It is a natural response to loss, shifts, changes.
Grief can be personal and/or collective.
There are specific types of grief that many high-masking, late-diagnosed neurodivergent people experience.
Grief affects the brain & nervous system, and its impact is unique to each person, each day, each moment.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no set timeline for grief.
It’s important to build a flexible nervous system, so that we can allow ourselves to grieve in whatever way is needed.
Brainspotting and IFS (Internal Family Systems) are highly effective therapies for processing grief.
Are you grieving and needing care for your nervous system?
Experience deep healing & processing through a Nervous System Intensive (short-term, accelerated work) – designed by a neurodivergent therapist for neurodivergent people.
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing therapy services in Colorado & coaching services worldwide. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal their nervous systems and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, Brainspotting, psychedelic integration, and trauma therapy intensives for individuals and couples.
